Jokes from Mike - Pontiac G6 Forum
 
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-28-2009, 07:53 AM Thread Starter
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Jokes from Mike

The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained... .



The North has Bloomingdale' s , the South has Dollar General .

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .

North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ....

In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .

Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners.
After all, if the cat has kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

Mike
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-28-2009, 10:34 PM
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Haha I'm an example of that last one - I was born in FL but both my parents grew up in NJ and lived there most of their lives, so I didn't acquire the "proper accent", and one time a friend of my dad's who was a native Floridian said of me, "Don't worry, he'll learn to talk right before too long"


Alas, I did not, and my fate was sealed when we moved back up to NJ when I was 8.











So fuggedaboudit!

09 White Diamond Tricoat 'vert here!

Now with CRABs, STBs, & The Heart Ruling The Mind!


Odd random pics on my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001119651822
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-30-2009, 12:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by geewhiz View Post
[B]

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
LMFAO!!! You can take this joke several ways...and im pretty sure you know which came to mind!
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-02-2009, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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since I 'm a coon-ass I thought some of you folks would like these;


Quote:
Mrs. Boudreaux went to the local newspaper and said she wanted to put in the obituary column that Boudreaux had died. They told her it would be $1.00 per word. She said, "Here's $2.00 - put in dere dat BOUDREAUX DIED. They said, "Mrs. Boudreaux, surely you want more dan dat." She said, "Mais, no, just Boudreaux died." The editor said, "Well, you're a little upset. Bring yourself back tomorrow and you will probably tink of somethin else." She came back the next day, and said, "Yeh, I taught of somethin else --- BOAT FOR SALE."



Quote:
Boudreaux is walking down the road when he's approached by his friend, Thibodeaux, who is carrying a very long bamboo fishing pole, and a yardstick. They stop and talk awhile, when Thibodeaux stands the pole straight up in the air, and attempts to reach the very top with the yardstick. Seeing it won't work, ole Boudreaux yanks the pole from Thibodeaux's hands, lays it on the sidewalk and measures it. "There you go; it's 12 feet long", says Boudreaux. Thibodeaux, upset and very irritated, grabs the yardstick and yells to Boudreaux," You fool!! I don't want to know how long it is!! I want to know how high it is!

Mike
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-09-2009, 07:37 AM Thread Starter
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Boudreaux and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, Boudreaux had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name-calling, Boudreaux headed home frustrated and depressed. Friday afternoon when Boudreaux's buddies arrived at the camp on Bayou Decade, they were shocked to see Boudreaux. He was already sitting on the dock with a cold beer, feet propped up on his ice chest, fishing rod In hand, and a fire glowing on the BBQ pit. ”How did you talk your missus into letting you go Boudreaux?"
"I didn't have to," Boudreaux replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, “Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and said you can do whatever you want”
So, Here I am!”

Mike
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-09-2009, 09:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by geewhiz View Post
Boudreaux and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, Boudreaux had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name-calling, Boudreaux headed home frustrated and depressed. Friday afternoon when Boudreaux's buddies arrived at the camp on Bayou Decade, they were shocked to see Boudreaux. He was already sitting on the dock with a cold beer, feet propped up on his ice chest, fishing rod In hand, and a fire glowing on the BBQ pit. ”How did you talk your missus into letting you go Boudreaux?"
"I didn't have to," Boudreaux replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, “Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and said you can do whatever you want”
So, Here I am!”
haha, funny
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-30-2009, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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Mule - Check this out.

Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.



The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,” We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,” Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,” My Lord, didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Mike
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-15-2009, 07:15 AM Thread Starter
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Copper wire facts

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and
came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly
after, A story in the LA Times read: ' California archaeologists,
finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later. A local newspaper in Louisiana reported the
following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near St.
Martinville, Bubba Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that
300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless...

Just makes you proud to live in Louisiana!

Mike
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-06-2009, 09:03 AM Thread Starter
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this is an ass-emoticon;

(_!_)

fat-ass;
(__!__)

a$$hole;
(_O_)

fat ass-hole;
(__O__)

BIG FAT ASS
(_____!_____)

Mike
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-26-2009, 11:39 AM Thread Starter
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Mike
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-30-2009, 09:29 PM
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WELL LOL That was absolutely hilarious!!! Weird how the southern stereotype of the north is like that. I live in Vermont, and believe me the town I live in might of invented the word redneck. Even all of the woman up where I live drive big rigs, one of my friends is a tiny little girl that drives a 1999 gmc 2500 4x4 and the thing is a monster. I give it to the south, its sure is fun to spend time down there where the weather is always hot. I just let my dogs out (LOL more northern redneck things..notice i said dogsss) and there is a dusting of snow. Damn. Hey the other day we had a big snowstorm and the traction control on the G6 is really good, I made it up a big hill on the way to my house in really slippery conditions!
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-11-2009, 07:03 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paramount View Post
WELL LOL That was absolutely hilarious!!! Weird how the southern stereotype of the north is like that. I live in Vermont, and believe me the town I live in might of invented the word redneck. Even all of the woman up where I live drive big rigs, one of my friends is a tiny little girl that drives a 1999 gmc 2500 4x4 and the thing is a monster. I give it to the south, its sure is fun to spend time down there where the weather is always hot. I just let my dogs out (LOL more northern redneck things..notice i said dogsss) and there is a dusting of snow. Damn. Hey the other day we had a big snowstorm and the traction control on the G6 is really good, I made it up a big hill on the way to my house in really slippery conditions!
I grew up with a bunch of "good ole coon-asses" and let me tell you they (we) will find a reason to have a party. When you hear of a hurricane party it's not like the movies where we all get in a fancy house with balloons and stuff, its a backyard or carport with a BBQ pit going and/or a big-ass black iron pot with some jambalya cook'n. Of course BEER; thats what makes the jambalya so good!

Mike
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-11-2009, 07:05 AM Thread Starter
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

Mike
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