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Nurse: Doctor, you have a thermometer behind your ear!
Dr: Great. Some ******* has my pen!

"I hate to give you the bad news, but I'm going to level with you."
"Ok, Doc."
"Well, your case is terminal. You're dying, Phil."
"Okay....(sigh)....So how long do I have, Doc?"
"Five? What do you mean, five?"

Dr: I have some good news and some bad news for you, Dave.
Dave: Well, let's start with the good news.
Dr: The tests show that you only have 24 hours to live, Dave.
Dave: THAT'S the good news? So what's the bad news?
Dr. I did the tests yesterday.

A doctor goes to see his blonde patient who has been admitted to the hospital for third degree burns to both ears. "My goodness, Miss Tate, how did this happen?" he asks.
"Well, I feel so stupid. I was ironing my blouse and the phone rang. I picked up the iron by mistake and burned myself."
"Oh, that's terrible! You mustn't feel foolish, though. I can see how something like that could happen. But how did you burn your OTHER ear, my dear?"
"Well, I had to call an ambulance, silly!"

A man diagnosed with a terminal disease comes home from his doctor's appointment and says "Honey, I have some great news. Remember how the doctor said I only had six months to live?"
"Of course I remember. I think about it every second of every day. So what's the good news? Has he found some new cure?" asks the man's wife.
"No, nothing like that. But I told him I couldn't pay the bill in full, so he gave me another six months!"

Non-medical but a personal fave:

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One says to the other "Man, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I keep putting my foot in my mouth, all week long it's been happening."
"How so?" asks his friend.
"Well, like the other day, for example. I was at the airport ticket counter and this beautiful, busty young attendant was helping me purchase my tickets. What I MEANT to say was 'Miss, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburg, please,' but what I said was 'Miss, I'd like two pickets to Tittsburg' instead. I was so embarassed!"
His friend says, "Don't worry too much about it. Happens to me all the time. Why, just last night I was with my family enjoying a wonderful home-cooked meal that my wife spent all day preparing. I looked up at my beautiful wife and what I meant to say was 'Honey, could you please pass the mashed potatoes?' but what I said was 'You ruined my life, you two-timing whore!'

To burn your guy buddy: Extend your index finger and thumb and ask him: You know why you can't masturbate with these two fingers? When he says "No," tell him "Beause they're Mine!" (hint: if you are a man telling this to a woman and she says no, say "Me, either!"

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